When Forever Becomes Always

I’ve attempted to write a couple of times since your departure but every time I did, words did no justice. I grew up knowing exactly who God was because you taught me. I’ve watched you countless times in the pulpit, baring your soul through a message God gave you to preach. I was always proud. You commanded the attention of hundreds every Sunday for years. Each word more valuable than the next. I’m forever grateful for the man God called you to be.

Our patriarch. Our rock. Our foundation.

So many things come to mind when speaking of the impact you’ve left on this world. So many lessons learned, so many lives changed. So much love shown but I will always remember you never hesitated to express your gratitude.

You christened and baptized me. You’ve attended graduations, award ceremonies, birthday parties. You made holidays enjoyable. You showed us the best example of how a man should raise a family. No matter what, you loved us.

That night before you passed, I heard you and God were having a conversation. I’d like to think he was giving you your walking papers. I’d like to think God was preparing you for your grand exit. I’d like to think God was calling you home. I’ve been devastated since you left though. I never thought I’d be without a person who was proud about every aspect of my life. Even through your sickness, you were still concerned about me. You were so strong. You fought until the very end. You did not let cancer defeat you.

Pape, I wish I could have continued spending days with you but I’m glad you’ll never be in pain again. No more co-pays and doctor visits. No more chemo or radiation. No more treatments and blood draws. No more vital signs, finger pricks, or medications. No more body aches. No more suffering.

This one really hurts though. I’ve tried to be strong, but it gets hard. Every time I think of the memories, the legacy you built, I get emotional. Tears become hard to hold back, the heartache becomes overwhelmingly heavy, and sorrow becomes unbearable. And the loneliness, it stings. But I know the kind of life you lived. I know the kind of man you were. I know the God you served, and He never makes mistakes. I don’t have to worry about you anymore. And for that alone I’m grateful.

I pray I continued to make you proud of the granddaughter you helped raised. I hope I can continue building on the legacy you left behind. I pray your wisdom and love follows me for the rest of my life.

Love you always.